Wishing

I'm really wishing I'd made this blog anonymous all those years ago. Or never told family members I had it. Or something. I'm a big fan of total honesty, full disclosure, etc, etc. But sometimes you just can't let it all out for fear of hurting some people. I'm not really angry with anyone right now, possibly only because I finally slept for more than two hours in a row. I'm not even hurt by the actions of this person. More resigned. More wishing they could just let go. What's the point? I understand what the theoretical point it. What the "right" thing to do is. I also understand that the Church would quite possible say to run away and when the Pope feels that way...well I tend to listen. Except on issues of gay marriage and abortion.

Damn this is difficult.

read/add comments (0)

Mental Status Update

Headache and deep dark thoughts brewing in my brain. I'll take this over the 24/7 deep dark thoughts though.

Someone do me a favor and never ever let me stop taking my meds again? Never, ever, ever. And if I do? Please come with me to the doctor's office and hold my hand? That's an awfully scary, lonely appointment to deal with.

read/add comments (3)

Nervous

I hope this guy is good, my last one was crazier than I am and that's really why I quit going, that and the whole, "why I feel fine, why ever do I need these medications" issue. But seriously that woman was really off. Always late. ALWAYS. I don't think I ever had an appointment with her start on time. Even the times when I was the first appointment of the day! I'd have to stand outside the building and wait for her to come strolling down the street... The kicker was the day her pet died and instead of canceling appointments she just keep going and when I rhetorically asked her, "and how are you" she broke down crying. We spent my hour in a complete role reversal. Me passing tissues and murmuring polite words of comfort, her sobbing over the loss of her dear pet. Don't get me wrong--I completely understood it. It was just...well, way too humanizing or something. I don't want to be your friend. I just need you to be my doctor and help me get a handle on this thing called my life. So fingers crossed that this guy will not be a total jerk, fuckwit, tool, quack, asshat, or nutjob. That's MY job in this scenario. Okay?

In preparation for this I've been trying to write down all the little tidbits I should remember to bring up. Family history, personal history, previous medications, etc. Wow. What an awesome exercise to make you feel like a total freak-show. That little (okay long) list of tidbits used to make me so proud--slap that shit down on a table and say, "look what I can survive mother fucker!" kind of proud. I'm just not feeling it today or this week, last month, this year, last year...yeah. Oh I just do not want to have to go have this conversation again. Oh I just want my mom, sister, week of vacation, cat curled up in bed, chicken soup and toast and tea.

Would probably make me look crazier to go in clutching my baby blanket wouldn't it? Damn.

read/add comments (1)

Something Happy

On the diving back in front, I will now blog about something very happy and creative I worked on this winter. I had an idea for a show and my company Dysfunctional Theatre let me choose my favorite ladies to work with and we went to town. No one was looking over our shoulder telling us what we could or could not do--the company gave us their blessing and we went and wrote a show. A damn fine show if I do say so myself. And did I mention that it was entered in a festival (again, totally unmonitored, unjuried, just bring on the art)? And OH YEAH we sold out. And DOUBLE OH YEAH, we won the Audience Choice Award? Cause we did.

Check out our awesome promo pics on the company site here. And from our favorite photographer Deneka Peniston, production photos!

We're doing Arsenic & Old Lace this June and guess who's Elaine?

More later, shrink finding updates to follow. I know you people only occasionally check this just to find out my mental status...

read/add comments (1)

Douche Bag

I have resisted serious use of that term for a long time now. For one, my husband adopted it early and uses it all the time. Drives me insane with it, much like how he drives me insane by using the word, "sucker" inappropriately. But I digress.

There's this a new guy at work and he's really sold me on the term. Let me set the scene for you: I'm covering the front desk for our receptionist who is late to work. I really, really hate covering the reception desk because...how do I put this? Well, you're supposed to be receptive at the reception desk. Warm and friendly and helpful. I am none of those things and I hate pretending. Especially on only one cup of coffee.

So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, reading a book to pass the time. When this new guy (looks oddly like the boss from Office Space) walks in.

DB: So what are you reading?

Moi: A guidebook to Ecuador.

DB: Ecuador? (makes face like he just smelled his own...you know) What for?

Moi: My husband and I are taking a trip to Quito and the Galapagos and I'm trying to figure out where else we should go while in Ecuador.

DB: Well I understand the Galapagos, but Ecuador? Don't waste your time. You want my advice for a great travel destination?

Moi: (I look at him if not expectantly, at least receptively)

DB: EUROPE.

I waited for more details to follow. Nope that was it. Douche Bag just wanted to tell me that Europe was the place to go. All 50 countries of it apparently. Don't get me wrong, I love both of the countries I've been to in Europe. Obviously one of them has really done a number on me and demands much of time and attention...but seriously? That's your brilliant travel recommendation? EUROPE? Douche Bag, I'm reading a travel guide to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. Go away now and let me finish my coffee in peace.

read/add comments (2)

Friendly

I'm a crap friend. If you know me, you know this. You've probably had to hunt me down to have drinks or dinner. I ignored five emails in a row and then you left a voicemail on my cell phone saying, "please call, we're really worried about you and just want to know you're okay". Cheer up. I treat my family this way too. My mother called a couple weeks ago to say, "So I hear you're going to Ecuador?"

I had dinner with a friend this week and got to see her little girl for the first time in over a year. I think. That's the bad part--I can't even remember when I last saw her CHILD, and I love this woman. I really do. She and her husband are shining stars in my life. It's not everyone who will open up the sofa bed for you when you've stormed out on your husband in the middle of the night. And then call him to tell him you're safe with them. These are good people! They deserve better.

Why do I do this? Why do I disappear? Must need more therapy...or something.

Another friend I have--I've actually been seeing a lot of lately. The odd thing is, hanging out with this person tends to make me sad. Okay, maybe not sad exactly, but that's the first word that popped into my mind and that says something, doesn't it? We part after hanging out and I feel a little sad because I know it won't last. We'll just end up pissing each other off again and that will be that. Again. So I'm trying to be a good friend while it lasts, and a better friend to everyone else. I'm trying to answer emails as they come, to answer the phone instead of sending it to voicemail because it's "not a good time" and I'm trying to listen more. Because I'm hearing I'm a crap friend. And a crap sister.

What does my disappearance act and my friend that I do hang out with who makes me sad sometimes have to do with each other? I have no idea. All I know is that right now, thoughts are quite frequently swirling in my mind trying to come together and make some sense out of things. Why do you make me sad, but I want to see you? Why do you make me happy, but I never call you back? Oh that is just so wrong.

read/add comments (0)